Silly Social Scenes

Text: T T

Guest Columnist

EDITOR’S NOTE – Miz Mayhem, that trollop, has gone a-gallivanting, possibly on vacation, possibly on assignment; there also exists the chance that she either found the love of her life or was abducted by aliens. Whichever it was (we were unable to decipher the note we found stuck to our office door with a 16th-Century Venetian stiletto), she claims that she will return in two weeks, although we’re not taking any bets. In the meantime, your long-suffering Editor drafted a nearly homeless person who appears to have adopted the GOMBC as his substitute family (which says something about his mental acuity). However, he was able to write his name, so we figured that would be sufficient for the pitifully small readership of this “column.” W


Your guest columnist-type person is

VERY excited to be taking over for the EXTREMELY famous Miz Mayhem, even for so short a period, a person who’s fame is known all over downtown Northfield, maybe even in the Falls, but probly not down in Southern Northfield. Whatever, we are going to do our best to give you the news, the whole news, and something BUT the news, each and every weekly time so long as we sit in the catbird seat. What we have got for you THIS week is a roundup of what the members of the Grumpy Old Men’s Breakfast club is doing. C


CAT – The Chief has a brandly new digging machine that is new to him, but not to the person from who he bought it from, and he says he plans to do some excavating here and there, starting at the home of Mimsy Borogrove, the X-Managerette that fired the Chief. He said something about alligators, but we do not know if he will put alligators in the ditch when he is done, or let them loose in the house. Whatsoever, it will be a surprise for sure for old Mimsy. Also, Chief says, he will take the x-cavator to his camp and put it on his party boat and go out and dig for treasure on The Big Lake. We are not sure he was kidding, but who knows.

Bob the Really, Really Smart Cat is planning to open a beer-type brewing pub in the Economy Diner where Chief Nylong and the GOMBC hang out. For his birthday, Chief give Bob a certificate for beer-brewing lessons, and because Bob is a whole lot smarter than Pucker, what owns the Nasty Clover next door, the Chief is pretty sure Bob will do a better job. But Pucker also want to open a scale-up coffee shop over to the square, so nobody knows what. G


Charley say is, what this town need is tractor night down to the pizza joint. WHOA, everybody else say, THAT is one GOOD idea, Charley, we all gonna get in on that! Chief Nylong will take his x-cavator, the Pet Casket King will ride his 1962 driving-type lawnmower off of Smith & Wesson Hill, Charley will bring his $97,865-dollar John Dearly 900-horsespower tractor (a real one), and the Editor will think of something by then, on account of he does not have a tractor. W

ALAWAHOOHOO WASABI – is still in jail, even if Lieutenant Governator Skip

Philpott decide it is probly not Wasabi who is the pirate up to The Big Lake, on account of two reasons: Second, he has not got a cat with no tail, and one, he is smart enough, but not too good at sticking to things. But, hey, the Lite Guv say, at least he is where we can keep eyes on him and he is not sneaking around throwing firecrackers into outhouses. P

ET CASKET KING – PCKN is LOUD these days on account of his ear trumpet don’t work, and he YELL all the time. He says, maybe his problem is his A-B personality disorder. The other GOM, they say he has got a disorder, alright. But, he say he going to drive the pet casket factory forklift to Tractor Night at the pizza joint and maybe he will lift up a few cars and move them around. T

HE EDITOR – The Editor of this fine newspaper is busy singing at funerals; he says, he is so popular that he is going to branch out and sing at bar mitzvahs, weddings, divorces and public executions. He offered to sing for the GOM, but they say, no, that is okay, we believe you. When the Editor say he is not going to play polo anymore, Good Old Charley say, maybe you could ride a Clydesdale-type horse, and then somebody else say, what a good idea, have a Clydesdale polo team to raise money for hangnail relief, but Charley says, maybe Binky Beluga would like to use this to raise more money for the Academy instead, so this is TWO Good Ideas Charley have at one time, which prove that he hasn’t lost it yet. We do not know what Binky say, because he has not said, but he likes money.

2013-08-08 / News

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